It is common for PDA adults who enjoy sexual intimacy to freeze up by the expectation in it.
These are individuals who desire the sexual contact, feel safe with their partners, and are willing participants, and yet aspects around sexual intimacy can inadvertently create pressure and shut us down.
Expectations can be:
Celebrating romantic occasions, date nights, or any other structured opportunity (especially for those with kids)
Orgasming as an indication of sexual success
Unique feelings each partner has around what indicates sexual satisfaction
Cultural expectations
The building pressure of hurt feelings once a PDA partner experiences their own sexual resistance
Ways to help alleviate pressure:
Open discussion about what each person desires and why, negotiating “back up plans” for how to feel loved when initiating sex doesn’t go as planned
Allowing time for healing and space if pressure has been building around the act
Utilizing structured time for primarily play and emotional intimacy
Role play can help some PDA partners diffuse their tension
Individual or couples counseling if a partner struggles with feeling rejection, as long as counseling is used to facilitate understanding versus trying to apply more pressure
Remember these reactions are NOT in our control. It is very difficult to mask our struggles with pressure and sex because of how much vulnerability is involved.
This information really resonated with me. I am a woman in my 50’s and I enjoy sex and have always had supportive partners. But, much to my dismay, any perceived expectation of sexual activity shuts me down and/or makes me angry – even though I like it and want it. I feel like I am fighting against something real when no pressure or coercion has occurred. Early in my life, I overcame this with alcohol but I don’t drink now and I want to be fully present. My reaction makes physical and emotional intimacy unnecessarily difficult. I have a son with significant PDA behaviours and I am now realizing that I fit the profile as well. It explains so much. Thank you for writing about this important topic.