I published a podcast recently on the topic of romance and PDA, but heard from more than one person that reading what I have to share would be much easier to access (which I understand because I feel the same). This won’t be the equivalent of a transcription, but an adaptation of my notes.
The first thing I want to say is that this topic is laced with my personal life. I struggled over it for weeks because I couldn’t seem to communicate the messages I wanted to share without divulging personal details, but here at the “end” of it I accept that is just how it is. Some things we go through cannot be divorced from their circumstances.
Second, I do touch on my spirituality (Christianity). I realize this is a trigger for many, and I don’t use this page as a platform to promote my faith but where I talk about my personal life my faith does often come up as part of that.
Third, there are broader lessons here that I try to highlight that can make what I went through as applicable to as many people as possible.
Finally, I struggled how to structure this. What seemed to thread through it all though was “limerence”. Limerence is an experience I think many of us PDAers (and ADHDers?) struggle with as a natural extension of their neurodiversity. The limerence arch is what I used to pull all of my narratives together and sum up what I’ve learned about myself and my neurotype as it impacts others in the romantic sphere.
What is Limerence?
As pulled from the website Brides.com website, an article by Charlotte Grainger describes limerence as “a state of infatuation or obsession with another person that involves an all-consuming passion and intrusive thoughts.”
The difference between limerence and love is that it is driven by a need to have that other person in your life no matter what, even if they are unhealthy, there are obvious struggles, you ignore their flaws, and deep down are driven by fear of real emotional connection.
While limerence can be experience of trauma, I see limerence as a natural struggle of PDAers. PDA is currently best known as autism but with a people-centered focus, and that intense focus that goes along with autism can turn up the intensity in any relationship.
Limerence is not limited to romantic relationships but can be found in friendships (or desired friendships) as well. You can experience it while in a satisfying relationship, and isn’t always sexual.
There are three stages to limerence: Infatuation, crystallization, and deterioration. In my own recent experience I will use these stages to outline what I went through, what tactics I used to combat my struggle, and finally share where I’m at now in my healing.
Infatuation:
When I was younger the infatuation stage hit me early in, and with the barest evidence of a connection between me and the other person I fixated on. I’m not the type to dwell primarily on looks, but aspects of personality like humor and a quiet, shy spirit spark my notice.
From there I coddle my feelings of desire for this person; growing it by talking about them with my friends and family. Secret fantasies about interactions we might share. Amazingly very little to none of the material I built up in my mind was based on actual interactions with the person.
The end of it all was an inevitable fiery crash and burn after hundreds of hours of wasted energy poured into an empty possibility that could only break my heart.
So when three months ago I was visiting a location I frequent weekly and the person helping me cracked an extremely funny joke, I flushed — then tensed.
At 37 my standards for “romantic interest” have thankfully gone up, such as now I’m able to tell when I’m watching a mutual romantic interaction versus my old one-sided obsessions, but beyond sensing a spark from him I knew very little else. I remembered once before him and I talked about how he suspected he was autistic (and through my private observations I wondered if he could be PDA), but that was it.
When I got home I quickly talked to a close friend to process my thoughts. It had only been two months before that I had finally let go of decade-long fantasies around my dysfunctional marriage, and I was not eager to get hung up on another lost cause. Knowing my capacity for delusion I was genuinely afraid of losing myself.
So the first thing I could think to do was combat the situation with facts.
Limerence feeds on vague possibilities, so I thought if I could gather as many harsh realities in my mind to combat the wild “what if’s” then I could stall any infatuation.
Facts I knew were that this person was younger, probably much younger, than me. My faith and generational differences meant it was unlikely our lifestyles shared much in common.
The other tools I thought to use were not manipulating circumstances in my favor & not researching the person like a project.
I was careful not to do any “homework” about him apart from what we shared if and when we talked, and I was very careful not to try to position myself in his path strategically.
For myself I knew both these choices would increase my emotional investment. I also feel that for me researching someone apart from getting to know them personally fosters a false sense of intimacy.
Despite these precautions, if this person was working when I was there they either managed to be the person helping me or made a point to say hello. We had more frequent conversations and leaks sprung in the wall around my heart: We had more in common then I expected.
My next tactic was to try dealing with these leaks by living my own truth authentically.
I have three boys, I’m 37, and I hid nothing from this person when we talked. I shared how tired I was at parenting three neurodivergent kids and was open about any possibly awkward thing in my life. My hope was that if he was easily spooked that this honesty would scare him away.
Throughout all this I also prayed and processed with trusted friends.
Prayer and talking takes my emotions and helps me filter through them in a safe space. I then don’t feel alone in what I’m wrestling, and the tension deflates.
…Regardless of using every tool at my disposal nothing worked to push him and I apart, and my cracks fissured, then burst.
I really, really liked this guy. And not only in fantasy, but from what I could tell from how we shared gave the impression that there could be something bigger.
Normally I would let the guy take initiative in moving things forward, but the fact I was a client in his workplace presented a potential kink in him taking that risk. I went ahead and decided to face the situation head on and instead of spinning around in my head move forward with radical honesty.
I confronted the situation with tangible action.
I had an endearing stuffed tardigrade I had bought on a whim a week before and I included with a humorous but honest note about my interest, and dropped my mini-vulnerability bomb at the front desk on a night I knew he was working.
If I was wrong and there was no real interest on his part I needed to find out as soon as possible.
Which leads us to…
Crystallization:
The next stage of limerence is crystallization. Crystallization is when this person takes up residence in your heart as “the solution” to your problems. They are put on a pedestal, and all things are measured by them.
The progression of this relationship was actually leading me out of limerence as it was taking place in the real world. He was interested, and we started to get to know each other better over text.
As said before I believe that the PDA in me takes even the real things and wants to run with them as chaotically as it does with my fantasy relationships. The speed in which I’m ready to engage is often unrealistic for my needs or the other person’s pacing.
My PDA/autism wants to spend a lot of energy dwelling on my objects of fixation, and the ADHD in me wants to do it at light speed. My experience is that later the autism is screaming when too much is going on for me to process.
After only took two weeks of texting I knew I was in love. Despite my frequent wild infatuations, genuine love for me has been much less common: prior to this I only had been truly in love with one other person.
So (of course) cue life throwing in an unexpected kink: The literal day after I realized the depth of my feelings we started hitting snags.
He mentioned in passing when we first started texting that he was feeling more tired than usual, most likely due to stress from work. This fatigue hit him harder the longer we talked. I even wondered if there was a stress reaction in response to us getting to know each other since he indicated he’d never been in a serious relationship.
Each time we tried to move things forward he froze up or shut down.
Deterioration:
I had reason to trust that he wasn’t struggling maliciously or with bad intent, but the reality was he was struggling. Eventually we had to step back from each other.
In limerence for me the deterioration typically happens when I get the chance to be with the person I’ve fantasized about and suddenly the appeal is gone. I can see that who I imagined myself with and who I have in front of me are two different people.
When I was younger I was also terrified of true emotional intimacy because I didn’t know what it looked like. My family of origin had many dysfunctional struggles.
So in this I turn back to the article I read about limerence. How does one move on from dwelling on a situation that isn’t playing out (anymore) in real life?
For me this looks like investing myself in what I have in front of me. I spend time on my faith, on my children, on my household. I’m trying to build into my life the good things I had in hand before I got distracted in order to distance myself from dwelling.
And?
Once I made sure to protect myself from further interactions from this person (also removing any reminders) I felt I was able to start healing.
Even though it is painful, it also is cleansing to face myself and take care of my needs first before lingering or trying to take care of someone who can’t meet me where I’m at.
Conclusion:
Overall I feel I have grown a lot through this experience. I can see now how much of me was locked up before in the choices of others by how I held onto to situations that were just out of reach.
My hope too is that these lessons that have helped me will also be helpful to those who share my struggles.