Two days ago was a landmark day for my Facebook page: I hit over 1k likes/followers. I shared a post celebrating my success at maintaining the page this long, but it inspired further reflections on what has failed and what has succeeded so far in my life.
I am someone who was born with a level of self-confidence in my skills and talents that was not always born in evidence. My oldest is similar. Win or lose he brands himself a “winner”, and that confidence has helped him persevere and teach himself many skills that any outside individual would struggle to teach him.
In the same way I inevitably try pushing myself in my interests until I reach a level of success that either satisfies me into boredom or burns me out.
I can draw photo realistically. I can give a solidly inspirational speech. I had a stretch of time as a collections agent (one of the most difficult jobs) for Citibank and managed to juggle compassion for the person while encouraging them to catch up on their bills. I have a range of knowledge about plants and animals. I know enough about oil painting to produce work I’m proud of. The human mind fascinates me and I have a decent track record for identifying (my special interest) trauma and what makes certain people tick. I did very well in college and found a way to love every subject I took, whether voluntary or not, and managed a 3.8 GPA and a Masters Degree.
At my best I’m charismatic enough in person that I usually get a solid pat on the back that I WILL succeed in whatever I put my attention to.
And yet…
Everything I have tried to do with any longevity has failed.
Inevitably the pressure that builds up within “success” crosses my personal threshold and I fail. I can feel the freedom and autonomy leak out of me as my reputation builds for anything. I want to be celebrated and I want to be invisible, both.
This conflict in my desires has driven me crazy. This year I finally threw my hands up, deciding there was nothing that didn’t come with this caveat. I burned myself out in excitement. I painted myself into impossible corners with my passion.
When I started my journey with No Pressure PDA I had a 90% certainty that it too would eventually fizzle out. Some aspects have, like my YouTube videos are much more hit and miss then I imagined, but? So be it.
Part of what continues to fuel me forward in what I do here is that built into it is the awareness that PDA is a walking contradiction. I have permission to be my inconsistent self and still bring value to the world.
Thankfully even at my worst you can find me scrolling on my phone following online discussions about my topics of interest. When I can’t clean my house or talk to another human being my mind is still busy at work trying to absorb understanding about myself and others. I am learning to be more compassionate with my limitations and see that maybe (just maybe) I can build a lifestyle for myself that allows for my quiet moments as well as my flamboyant ones.
So thank you to everyone who takes an interest in what I do so far. I continue to have more ideas about how to expand on what I can realistically offer the world, and my deepest hope is that it genuinely makes a difference.