Trauma response: Fawn

Ironically while working on gathering stories for my current project regarding trauma responses, I had my own trauma response triggered. I posted in a favorite group of mine looking for stories from the community, and a community member brought up their disagreement with how we were describing adrenal reactions.

(Keep in mind this is my experience and I’m not trying to impose it on this individual)

Because it felt to me like this person needed to have their point of view agreed with to be validated, and I have very personal reasons why I believe in this project, I felt panic set in as we debated back-and-forth about what exactly adrenal responses were. I had to set my phone to the side a few times in order to try to calm down.

I’m at the point in my journey where I recognize that during a debate one of two things happens: Either we are both relaxed and open minded, able to discuss ideas freely and shift our position as evidence arrives, or one (or both) of us is clinging to a point of view and is willing to defend it at any cost. Most of the time now I try to avoid discussions that are the latter.

In my earlier years I would go on and on in hours long discussions, ignoring my family while I stared at my phone frantically clicking away trying to prove a point to a person online. In the moment I was obsessed with dominating what I perceive to be a threat to my mental autonomy.

I think this experience makes a good illustration opportunity for what exactly what it is we’re trying to achieve by defining these as trauma responses. The lack of self control, impulsivity, and panic are what define it a trauma response to me—in this case I felt I was in (dominating) Fawn mode.

I would argue this is an instinctual response that arises due to my choice to engage with my threat. For me in that moment the other person felt like a threat to my autonomy to understand myself and the world around me. When anyone feels threatened, even conversationally, I believe fight, flight, and flee are grappling to help us find relief.

The theory I’m developing with Sally Cat PDA so far states that Fawn is a dominance/submission dynamic. There is no middle ground when in panic mode. I have suggested this makes it primarily a fight response, but also that it has elements of freeze because (for me) it feels like I’m trying to keep control of my anxiety.

Fawning is the interplay of dominating or submitting to the threat in order to control it.

From the outside my compulsive behavior to dominate could be viewed as narcissistic or self centered. My husband shares that it used to hurt him to feel ignored while I obsessed over an online debate. As I matured I had to learn to recognize when I was reacting to something as a threat, and make choices whether or not to continue engagement of react, lash out, until I burned out.

PDA kids often also engage in this kind of behavior when stressed. My 9 year old will immediately launch into debate tactics if he feels cornered or pressured. From a parent’s point of view it’s hard not to worry kids who react this way are bossy or controlling, or feel despair when our attempts to subdue the behaviors are as effective as pouring water on a grease fire.

As counter intuitive as it seems, viewing these behaviors as FEAR and STRESS draws our focus to dealing with the triggers instead of the symptom and results in a more favorable outcome. All humans who feel safe are less likely to be triggered into defensive postures.

Another benefit is that by showing ourselves compassion we free ourselves from the guilt that further fuels shame-based reactivity. I believe there is peace to be found in understanding the logic in our seemingly illogical reactions.

If you’d like to contribute to our project of expanding trauma responses by sharing your story, you can find the anonymous survey here.