Healing gray pain with a black and white mind

These last two weeks my mind keeps circling over my pain. It has been a month since I last talked to my former best friend, and still throughout the day an intrusive thought pops in full of rage at feeling misunderstood. Sadness that that person is struggling. Sadness that I’m struggling.

What brings two people together usually is their differences, but it also fuels anger and confusion during conflict. My laid-back approach to life and trust that the imperfect process will bear out fruit often clashed with this person’s perception that one needs to push and push hard to do what needs to be done; nothing good comes easy, sacrifices are par for the course.

When in a calm state and I think we’re both right in our own way. I know that I can’t just drift through life and expect changes to happen. I know that I have to apply wisdom and attack issues before they spiral, even if my approach has to be fashioned around my neurodivergence. Hopefully for them they see that not every problem requires so much sacrifice and that their own needs are a valid player when deciding what battles are worth fighting.

Merging black and white solutions into the gray fabric of life.

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My emotions currently trend toward outrage that I could be so severely judged, usually for circumstances in my life that had nothing to do with our relationship. My autistic-fueled black-and-white thinking shouting back: I never claimed that I was perfect! I only insisted I was trying–why couldn’t this person see how much I was trying?

Shades of gray flows back: We were both under stress. We both had so many wounds throbbing on the surface and kept re-cutting each other.

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Yesterday morning my counselor had an observation as to why this person was lashing out so much. Another element is that they often use alcohol to cope, but it also stirs emotions into a frenzy. My counselor said he can tell when someone is experiencing a relapse in their addiction because they come at him with unprompted anger and judgment.

I almost don’t mention addiction as an element because I won’t be condescending and act like I know things about their substance use that they themselves don’t already know. We had plenty of conversations around the impact drinking has; I also know that when they feel swallowed up by their life it’s hard not to find some handhold that makes the stress bearable in the moment.

The reality was though that I almost always knew when alcohol was a factor. As afternoons transitioned to evenings my stomach clenched wondering if this person would suddenly start messaging me aggressively. We tried adding ways to circumvent these chaotic interactions; let’s revisit issues in the morning, how about I put my phone on silent, should I tell her that she’s hurting me and hope that cuts through the fog? Eventually none of it helped me anymore, even the possibility of it happening was draining.

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The black and white reality is that no matter how many gray elements were at issue that we each had going on, we were drowning and pulling each other down. Taking space gives us room to walk out our journey without opinions or potentially triggering thoughts.

And as angry as I am at feeling unjustly judged, the reality is they are using that same measurement to judge themselves. For them [my hope is that] given time they will learn to live their truth with compassion and safety, and for all the ways I’m in the wrong that I learn how to live my truths responsibly.

Maybe we both find our equilibrium again and be able to enjoy life side by side, feeling our black and whites, living our shades of gray.